Love Her First

Let me be honest with you. When I read Ephesians 5:25, I don’t feel strong. I feel small.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”

So this is the picture. Marriage is not mainly about companionship. It is not mainly about having kids. It is a living, breathing picture of Jesus and the church. Two people showing the world a love that does not quit. That is heavy and that is beautiful.

Now, if you are not married right now, stay with me. A woman can receive this too. And if you are single, everything I say here is training for later. The heart of it works with anyone close to you.

First things first. There are different kinds of love. There is the feeling kind, liking someone very much. There is the attraction kind. Then there is agape. That is the word Paul uses here. Agape is self giving love. It seeks the highest good of the other person whether they deserve it or not, whether they respond or not. It is not based on feeling. It is based on decision.

Basically, Paul is not saying “feel something”. He is saying “do something”.

Let me tell you about a pastor I heard share this. He was married ten years. His wife loved Jesus deeply, she never complained, she was very low maintenance. And he put the whole marriage on cruise control. He was busy with ministry. He was physically there but emotionally gone. His work became his real love, and his wife was living with him like a roommate.

Then one day she told him the truth. She said she did not feel pursued. She said he was not present when she talked to him. She said he did not care about her walk with Jesus. And one line really hit him. Another man simply helped her into a car at church, and she felt more noticed by him than by her own husband.

That woke him up. And I think it can wake us up too.

So what does love like Jesus look like? Basically three things.

One. Go first.

1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us. Jesus did not wait for the church to get its act together. He came to us while we were still sinners. That means you don’t wait to be loved. You start. You initiate the conversation, the affection, the repair. This pastor told himself he was waiting for his wife to love him first. He had it backwards.

Two. Love them the way they actually receive it.

He used to buy gifts and do service around the house. Good things. But his wife received love through words and through time. She kept every letter he ever wrote her. She needed his phone down, his eyes on her, real questions about her life.

His love was real. It just was not landing. So he asked her how she receives love, and then he loved her that way, with nothing expected back.

So ask the question. “How do you best receive love?” Then actually do it.

Three. Lay down your rights.

Jesus gave Himself up. He laid down His rights and His desires. For this pastor, the thing he had to lay down was anger. He grew up in a home where yelling was how you solved conflict. He thought a raised voice was normal. Then he realized what it was doing to her soul.

A friend asked him this. If a famous preacher came to your house, how would you treat him? With respect, right? With gentleness. How much more should you love the person you married?

That is when he started being kind instead of loud. And here is something wise I heard from another teacher. When you get married, you lose every argument. That does not mean you agree with everything. It means as the one who pictures Jesus, you go first with peace. You de-escalate. You trust God with the injustice instead of firing back.

Jesus did exactly that. 1 Peter 2 says when He was insulted, He did not insult back. He entrusted Himself to God.

One more thing, and this one is deep. Care about their spiritual life. This pastor saw something the Holy Spirit showed him. His wife was like a spiritual widow. She was living with him, but spiritually she was alone. Nobody was asking about her prayer life. Nobody was encouraging her gifts. Nobody was praying with her.

That is not control. That is care. Ask about their walk with Jesus. Pray together. Initiate it.

Let me tell you how the story ended. That marriage almost fell apart. Thirty years in, his wife now calls him a different man because of Jesus, a kind man. She became his best friend. There was a moment on a trip where she bought tickets to the wrong city by accident, and they landed in the wrong state. He did not yell. He said, “We’re going to be okay, baby.” That is change. That is Jesus.

If your relationship feels far from that today, please hear the grace first. Jesus is not angry with you. He already loves you completely. He forgave you on the cross. There is no punishment in Him, only a Father who wants you close. This is not about trying harder to earn love. It is about receiving His love, and then letting it flow to the person next to you.

So this week, do one thing. Ask the person closest to you how they best receive love. Then love them that way, once, with nothing expected back.

Jesus loved us first. Let’s do the same.